The Final Stitch

Posted: February 21, 2013 in Rants & Raves
Tags: , , , , , , , , , , ,


1st of June, 1999 was when it all started – my rebirth, my second life. I killed myself. Grabbed a blade and slashed my wrist countless times. I made a crucifix figure on my wrist. I thought that will do the trick… and it did… almost.

My suicide note was this:

Today you see me in flesh and blood
Tomorrow you may witness me dying
Soon you shall feel my presence
in the cold air beneath the fog.

The life I have is all that I’ve got,
yet death remains the salvation
as urged by my gut.
I searched for peace but I found none.
I looked for happiness but guilt
continues its hunt.

Remorse restrained me from the
heavens of the earth!
The past shall testify until my
footprints are blurred.

Hatred killed the soul of my being!
The present entraps me with anger,
holds me from moving forward,
confines me from seeing the next sunrise,
the moon leaving…

Fear denied me from freedom!
The untold future was deprived of me,
from my sight…
For on the next days to come
all there is that shall exist is my plight.

However love supplies hope and faith,
I shall quit my fate.
To end this life is to begin anew.
To face death is to have destiny subdued.
In this life…
Faith forsakes, hope flies, love dies.

No, there was no cry for help hours or days before the suicide. My days went on as normal. I was on auto-pilot; I smiled and laughed whenever necessary. I was the brave girl everyone expected me to be – all an illusion. I wish I could let you in on a secret, any secret about the madness. I sincerely wish I could expound on what instigated the horrendous act. But I have nothing in me. No amount of words could ever justify it, ever. It was sheer misery and hopelessness. It was a gift to my loved ones, a cruel and foolish one. I was defeated. The emotional pain was too strong, I was numb physically. It was a moment of weakness.

So, there I was, with a blade in my hand, profusely cutting myself, slashing both a horizontal and a vertical line on top of each. It was my cross. I was chasing death. It was an hour of insanity.

Then there was so much blood in the room… and then nothing.

Sixteen stitches and a couple of days later, I lived. I LIVED.

Some greater being must have found a way to give me a second chance, the precious chance to prove myself worthy. It wasn’t my time.

I had to see hope. I had to experience love. I had to understand faith. I had to find strength. I had to meet so many wonderful people. I had to touch so many lives. I had to serve my life’s purpose first.

Oh, my precious, precious life!

I had to live so I can write this to you right this very moment.

I know better now… so much better now.

***Life after the final stitch: Evil, I Banish You

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  1. Hi Ice, it’s Kat here (May Lopez) thank you for sharing such beautiful article. I have been diagnosed with depression too and have been on Sertraline for almost 2 years now, and I would be lying if I say life is easy… but I’m sure you’ll agree with me that despite of it all…life is beautiful. All the best to you! x

    • IcedBit says:

      Hi Kat! I feel you. And I agree that life is, indeed, beautiful. It’s important to always choose to see all the positive and lovely things surrounding us, despite our circumstances. I used the word “choose”, because I know it’s a constant struggle. The battle against depression is definitely not an easy road, sadly, most people don’t understand that.

      I wish you well Kat. You know where to find me anytime you need someone to talk to.

  2. fly1623 says:

    Reblogged this on Fly1623's Blog…..I like Cake and commented:
    Another inspiring story.

  3. fly1623 says:

    You are awesome, I am glad you lived to be able to tell this story.

    • IcedBit says:

      Thank you. Each day has been a gift since. :)

      And thank you for reblogging, I wish for my story to inspire and give hope to people. There IS hope, always. It wasn’t an easy road. There was no divine intervention. When I lived, I was given the chance to choose to continue to live in despair or to live a worthy life; with the immense support of friends and family, I chose the latter. Hopefully, people who are going through the same ordeal would too.

      • fly1623 says:

        Is it hard to do? I struggle with these things (thoughts of suicide, depression) and I try to write about it to hopefully help others that might be going through the same thing. I have the support, but I haven’t been living the greatest life or anything.

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