Evil, I Banish You

Posted: February 22, 2013 in Rants & Raves
Tags: , , , , , , , , ,

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I came across this poem I wrote almost a decade ago, right after “The Untold”, when my second chance at life has not sunk in yet (I committed suicide more than a decade ago, The Final Stitch). This was how I saw the world then; a world full of suffering, hatred and guilt. It was a world full of evil.


CHAMBER OF PANDEMONIUM
Amidst the obscure surface lies a chamber,
an enigmatic chamber of disorder
Where humans are deceived, trapped and restricted
where every soul suffers,
where every spirit carry their heavy burden
Here, I count as one.

Many souls struggled to escape
countless times but failed
Our hands are fastened by remorse,
we can’t move
Our eyes blinded by our sins,
we can’t see
Our feet firmly tied by hatred,
we can’t promenade
Here where no God exists,
no mercy shall persist

This is the chamber of pandemonium
Where weeping souls are restrained,
Where life is destroyed on a distant range
Where souls are burned
Where spirits are ripped
Entrapped in this chamber,
I stand defeated
Yet I remain struggling for survival –
for my salvation.

Writing about it wasn’t enough; I had to join the misery. I was constantly in and out of depression; nothing could have saved me from myself. Where most would see beauty in the blue skyline, I saw nothing but emptiness. Where most would be grateful to be breathing fresh air, I found it exasperating to exert effort in exhaling and inhaling. The days that followed my survival from my self-inflicted death was not, to say the least, a lovely walk in the park. No one handed me the answers to my life-saving questions: What do I do with this life? Where do I go from here? How do I start anew? Why didn’t I just die? I was a lost soul.

I realized I was given only two choices in the situation that I was in: either I stay in the pit of despair or I banish the evil that kept lurking in my thoughts. With a firm resolve, I chose the latter. I had to save myself. And that’s when life started…

When I would see only negative in any situation, I banish the evil and focus on the positive; ultimately seeing the beauty of life and the goodness of people with great lucidity.

When I am tempted to sulk and wallow on my misfortunes, I banish the evil and will myself to move on; surprising myself of the myriad of wonderful things I could do If I’d just keep moving forward.

When I am enticed to end my life once again, I banish the evil and look in the eyes of the people who continue to have faith in me and love me despite of it all; realizing then how worthy my life is.

So, yes, may be the world isn’t all that ideal. May be it’s true that there’s just so much negativity in this world, and that there are just so many things that needs to be changed. May be life sucks and the world is ending. May be everyone is bad and everything’s just worse. May be if I only try to banish all these evil, it will be better. And it will.

It has been so much better since. From me to you, banish the evil.

***It’s a little peculiar that an organization actually appreciated my Chamber of Pandemonium poem. Library of Congress (collection of poems), my rather late thanks to you.

My blog about my suicide: The Final Stitch

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