Letters For Yeshaya

Posted: April 3, 2013 in Fragments
Tags: , , , , , ,

1-11-09

My child,

I have decided to write you letters while Daddy and I are anxiously awaiting for your arrival in our lives. I should have thought of this early on but I got too caught up with the excitement and anticipation. I want to tell you how I’m feeling having you inside my body. I want to share all the physical changes, the emotions and the psychological drama I am going through. All for you sweety, all for you.

When your Daddy and I found out about you last December 28, 2008, we were in awe; we still are. I couldn’t even begin to express how much joy we had in our hearts, we still do. You are God’s gift to us. His answer to our prayers. I am finally pregnant. My breasts have been sore for days and I was supposed to have my monthly period on the 22nd. All the signs point me towards being pregnant. But there were doubts, I’ll be honest with you. I will never lie to you my child. We will have a very honest relationship. You can count on that from Mommy… We had doubts that this could be a false alarm. The positive line on the pregnancy test was too vague like it was teasing us, mocking our intense desire to finally have you in our lives sweety. We tested twice, and twice we had the same result. It was almost like a déjà vu. I had the same experience with your elder sibling,  Orange. I pray Orange is with the Lord now, watching over us. Orange is our family’s angel now. No matter how comforting it is to know that Orange is with God now, I still CAN NOT let you and I go through the same ordeal Orange and I have. I simply can not lose you as well… Daddy and I have waited so long for you. We have been dreaming of you. We have been longing for you sweety…

And then Daddy and I saw you on that tiny little screen they have when they made an ultrasound on me… It was magical! What a perfect start to year 2009! On the 3rd of January, you had your very first picture. Mommy and Daddy went to a doctor to make sure everything is alright, to make sure you are in good condition. The doctor said I had to take a medicine that would help prevent miscarriage and I happily obliged. I can not let anything wrong happen to you my child, or I won’t be able to forgive myself. I went through several tests, all for you sweety. The doctor said you were 6 weeks old then, but the ultrasound showed you were just in your 5th week. My child, can you trust Daddy and I to take care of you? Will you be strong for us? Please?

Last week was when we have finally decided on your name. Did you hear me when I told you your name? Did you like it sweety? It means God is salvation, God is my helper and God is generous. This will be your name because God is and we will proclaim this through your name. You will be touching lives when you grow up my dearest child. You will live in God’s name.

I know Mommy have been having a lot of shortcomings lately. When I cry, I know you also cry… and I am truly sorry my angel. My emotions have been surprising me as well. These mood swings caused by the pregnancy have got to stay in check. We will try harder to keep happy sweety. More than the tears, I also apologize for putting you through hard work. Mommy got used to being always on the go, I sometimes forget that I have you in my body now. My excuse was I had to somehow help Daddy when we moved in to our new home. I am still adjusting. I used to be a very independent woman deary, and now I can’t even lift anything without asking for your Daddy’s help. Anything for you my sweetest, anything. And then there’s the smoking… You know I have been trying so hard sweety. I never thought it would be this difficult. I promise you one thing though, it ends today. No more 2 sticks a day excuse, not even puffs. A promise is a promise. Will you have the heart to forgive Mommy sweety?

We haven’t been much fun today, have we deary? You’re just on your 7th week and I am already experiencing pain everywhere. I experience strange white vaginal discharge, mild tummy cramps, and pain like you want to go out already. You don’t yet, do you? My child, Mommy and Daddy are doing everything we can for you. Hold on for us please. I have to protect you sweety. I have to assure that you are all right inside me. All these abnormalities, apparently, are normal. Still, I am worried.. I guess I will always be anxious until the day I finally get to hold you in my arms… until I can finally wrap you in my warmth. Sweety, hang on for us. Make Mommy proud. I LOVE YOU… WITH ALL MY LIFE.

02-16-09

Silent Death

Ten weeks and five days we have struggled to keep you alive inside of me. I stopped living a life in order for you to live. My life revolved around you. You became our life, your father and mine. You were our source of joy. You were God’s gift to us.

It’s funny how just weeks ago, we were very careful not to hurt you, or do anything that may harm you. We would read you bedtime stories. We would listen to classical music. You loved them. They keep you calm… but you had to leave. Then there was blood. Suddenly it felt like the world’s crumbling down on me. Panic. Quietly, you begun to die on your father and I. Silently. No one saw it coming. Nobody knew… but I.

The world started to change. What was once colorful, hopeful and full of dreams became bleak, dull and very dark. Hopeless. Melancholic. People around used to tell me to take care of you, now they tell me to let go. I was not allowed to drink and smoke. But now I can smoke and I have to drink. Have to. I am being told to flush you away. How could a mother do that to her own child?

They wanted to scrape you off my belly. I can’t. I just can’t. So I hung on for dear life. Three days of indescribable physical pain and emotional torment, I thought I’d die. We could have been together now. I held on. In my heart I was hoping you would too. Then there you were, finally out of me… dead. I didn’t hear you cry. I never got to hold you. I never got to do so much for you. You were too quiet… you died…

4/3/13

My precious Yeshaya,

I think I’m ready now. I am letting you go. I think I am now finally ready to have another child. Your Mommy’s ready and hopeful about gifting you a baby brother or a baby sister. Would you like that sweety? I know you would.

It must be very hard on you watching both Mommy and Daddy suffer so much when we lost you. We didn’t know what to do sweety. We had to hold on to you. I had to. Inside that small carved wooden box was the only thing I had that proved you have existed, that I had you once. It was difficult for me to see you being buried in the cemetery last year; I couldn’t do it. But your Daddy was there though, and I was too distraught to come with. I’m so sorry my dear. It was very hard to let you go, so for nearly four years I held on to you. Forgive me please sweety?

Can you imagine my repulsion whenever thoughtless people tell your Daddy and me that we could always make another baby? We could NEVER make another you, and they keep missing that point.

Mommy never stopped thinking of you, do you know that deary? You would have been three years old now. Every time I see your cousin of your same age, I see you. Oh how I long for you every second of every day! And I kept it all hidden inside sweety; I kept all the tears out of their sight. I thought I was going crazy. But no one could possibly understand the gravity of the loss I felt when you left us – no one. Do you understand Mommy though? You will always remain to be my precious, precious child.

My angel, would you give Mommy and Daddy your blessing to have another child? I know there will be no promises, and I am aware that I may go through the same ordeal as what you and I went through before. But you know, over the years, Mommy has gone a little stronger, and Daddy has become a little more hopeful. Daddy and I have talked about it several times before, but I wasn’t as ready then as I am now. I know both you and Orange will be watching over Mommy this time, and that knowledge is what’s giving me the strength these days.  Will you give us your blessing?

Yeshaya, my child, it’s time. I am letting you go now sweety. I have to. I know I should have done it a long time ago, but Mommy was too weak to do so. Go and be the angel you are meant to be. Know that I will never ever forget you. You will always be in my heart, and I will forever love you my child, Yeshaya.

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